The Hidden Weight of Perfectionism: How to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Nov 12

Have you ever stayed up late redoing an assignment that was already good enough? Or stared at your screen for hours because you couldn’t start something until it felt “perfect”? If so, you’re not alone. Many teens and young adults I work with here in British Columbia tell me they feel a constant pressure to succeed, to get top marks, impress teachers, or live up to what others expect.

At first, perfectionism can seem like a strength. It drives you to do your best. But when every mistake feels like failure, it can quickly become heavy. That’s the hidden weight of perfectionism: it’s exhausting, and it often leaves you feeling anxious, stuck, or never good enough.

Why Does Perfectionism Feel So Hard to Shake?

Perfectionism often isn’t about wanting things to be perfect, it’s about wanting to feel safe. When you’ve learned that approval comes from achievements, or that mistakes lead to criticism, your brain starts believing, “If I do everything perfectly, I’ll be okay.”

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps uncover those deeper patterns. It connects the dots between your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and shows how perfectionism isn’t about high standards alone, but the core beliefs underneath them.

Common beliefs that drive perfectionism include:

“If I’m not the best, I’m not enough.”
“People will think less of me if I make a mistake.”
“Rest means I’m lazy.”

CBT helps you notice these thoughts in real time and challenge them gently, so you can respond with balance instead of pressure.

What Research Tells Us About Perfectionism

Here in British Columbia, Dr. Paul Hewitt and his team at the University of British Columbia have spent decades studying perfectionism and how it affects emotional wellbeing. Their work, along with Dr. Gordon Flett, helped define perfectionism as multidimensional—not just a single trait, but a set of patterns that can show up in different ways.

Dr. Hewitt’s research identifies several forms of perfectionism, including self-oriented perfectionism (pressure you put on yourself to be flawless) and socially prescribed perfectionism (the feeling that others expect you to be perfect and that you must meet their standards to be accepted).

Both forms can contribute to stress, anxiety, and burnout, but research from Hewitt’s lab shows that socially prescribed perfectionism is especially linked with distress and self-criticism in young people who feel constant pressure to meet external expectations.

This understanding helps reframe perfectionism as a coping strategy rather than a personal flaw. It often develops as a way to feel safe, maintain control, or earn approval. When therapy helps you see these patterns clearly, it becomes easier to respond to yourself with compassion instead of judgment.

How Can You Start Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations?

Here are two simple, research-based reframing tools I often share with young people who are tired of being trapped in the “never enough” loop:

1. Try a “Good Enough” Mindset

“Good enough” doesn’t mean giving up, it means recognising that perfection isn’t possible, and progress matters more than polish.
Ask yourself:

What would “good enough” look like for this situation?
Would I expect this level of perfection from a friend?
What might I gain if I allowed this to be done instead of perfect?

When you start practising this mindset, you might notice that your stress eases and that you actually get more done.

2. Practise Self-Compassion Like You Would for a Friend

Self-compassion isn’t about ignoring mistakes, it’s about responding to them with kindness. When your inner critic says, “You messed that up,” try responding with:

“I’m learning, it’s okay to make mistakes.”
“This doesn’t define my worth.”
“I can be kind to myself even when I struggle.”

If it feels awkward at first, that’s normal. You’re building a new mental habit, one that strengthens resilience and quiets the harsh self-talk that fuels perfectionism.

What If Rest and Imperfection Are Actually Signs of Growth?

Perfectionism can trick you into believing that rest is wasted time. In reality, your brain needs rest to grow, learn, and heal. Taking breaks, asking for help, or turning in something unfinished doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means you’re human.

Therapy often helps reframe this idea by focusing on process-oriented growth, the belief that progress, not perfection, is what truly moves you forward. You can start applying this by:

Setting process goals (like “study for 45 minutes” instead of “get an A”)
Celebrating small wins each day
Remembering that learning happens through mistakes, not despite them

When you let yourself be a work in progress, you create room for joy, creativity, and connection, the things perfectionism often squeezes out.

Moving Toward Freedom from Perfectionism

Perfectionism doesn’t have to define you. You can learn to hold yourself to high standards without carrying the constant fear of failure. Through approaches like CBT, you can replace harsh self-criticism with understanding and rebuild a relationship with yourself that is more compassionate.

In my counselling work with teens and young adults in British Columbia, I often see how perfectionism and academic stress can take a quiet toll on confidence and motivation. As a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC), I specialize in helping young people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety, emotions, or overthinking learn to feel calmer, more balanced, and focused on what truly matters to them. Whether you’re a student striving for top marks or a high-achieving young person trying to meet impossible standards, therapy can help you find a healthier, kinder way to grow.

If you recognize yourself in this, know that you’re not alone and that support is available. Counselling can help you understand what’s driving your perfectionism and learn practical tools for balance and self-kindness.

If you’re ready to take that step, I invite you to reach out for a free consultation or connect to learn more about therapy for perfectionism, anxiety, and academic stress. You don’t have to face this alone, and you deserve to feel lighter.

This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're struggling with perfectionism or anxiety, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.

Natalie Ranspot, MCP, RCC

Natalie is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with over eight years of experience supporting young people and their families. Drawing from CBT, DBT, EFFT, and trauma-informed approaches, she blends warmth and validation with practical tools to help teens and young adults feel calmer, more confident, and connected. Outside of counselling, she also coaches youth volleyball and enjoys the company of her dog, Pasley — a therapy dog in training who often brings smiles to sessions. Reach out or book a free 15-minute consultation to determine if her approach is a good fit for you.